It’s been two years and five months ever since Sam and I were in the process of weaning Abey from breastfeeding. Abey, now almost four-years-old, was weaned from the breasts at 16 months-old, when I was five-months pregnant with Soraya. Weaning is never easy and I always wanted to document the method I used with Abey but because we were in the middle of a big move (from D.C. to Costa Rica), I was very pregnant with Soraya, and was a stay-at-home mom (with a toddler) in the middle of my post-graduate family practice studies, I never got to it.
Now that we are in the process of weaning Soraya, I figured it is my last chance to document this experience with hopes that it somewhat helps other parents. The method that we’ve used for both Abey and Soraya is “gentle weaning”. I don’t know if this is an “official” method but it’s what I call it. This process takes a lot longer, but I have found it to be a lot less painful for the whole family. It’s worked great for us so far but of course, it may not be for everyone.
Three weeks ago, when we seriously started thinking about weaning Soraya, my plan was to disappear for a whole weekend and wean her, cold turkey. I had been so exhausted from almost four years (minus the four months between Abey being weaned to when Soraya was born) of breastfeeding. I was suffering from chronic sleep deprivation (both kids would latch every two-hours throughout the night and most of the night during teething and illness), which was getting in the way of how much of myself I was able to give, at work and at home. Not to mention the chronic back issues I was having from unideal sleep positions I would fall asleep in, while breastfeeding them to bed. Plus, Soraya and I made a deal. That there would be no more “nyonyo” (boobie) after her second birthday. At this point, however, it had been two whole weeks after her birthday and she would mock me and say “no more nyonyo,” but then ask and grab for nyonyo two seconds later. I was exhausted, desperate, and had no hope that she would stop breastfeeding diplomatically any time soon. I could not see the light and almost made peace with the fact that she may be breastfeeding forever. “As long as she won’t be breastfeeding at her college graduation,” I would joke. Getting away and escaping for a weekend therefore sounded very attractive.
Sam was also tired of hearing me “complain” about being exhausted. Weaning was apparently almost as important to his mental health as it was to mine, so together we made a plan. The plan was for me to go to work on Friday January 10th, 2020 and not return home until Sunday January 12th. Sam recommended that I go to a resort an hour and a half away so that I get some rest AND decrease the chances of me being tempted to return home in the middle of the night. As amazing as the idea sounded, I couldn’t do it. Idle time would mean thinking about how much my baby was missing me and her “nyonyo”. I therefore opted to sleep at my office for the weekend because it was close enough AND I would get to work ALL weekend long; uninterrupted! For a brand new business owner, this sounded like heaven. I love working!
Friday came and my anxiety was through the roof the whole entire day. All sorts of thoughts popped in my head — “Was I being selfish?”. “She clearly needs to breastfeed and that’s why she was still breastfeeding”. “So what if she breastfeeds for one more year, I could survive that. I’ve had two unmedicated births, I could survive anything!”. “I also survived women’s health and midwifery school, and working 24-hour shifts with barely any sleep AND commuting 2.5 hours afterwards. Who needs sleep anyway?! Sleep is overrated”. I was doing a lot of thinking! I almost gave up my plan to wean her. It was too daunting. Thinking about it made me feel sick.
Thankfully one of my childhood besties, Samar, offered to come keep me company that Friday night. I jumped at the idea, because we were long-overdue for a proper “catch-up session”! Samar came over to my office and we hung out until 11PM, when my father called me to urge me to return home because “he missed me” and would be worried if I slept at the office. I guess we never stop being babies to our parents. He also assured me that the kids were fast asleep and there was nobody crying or making a fuss. I was super surprised but relieved that I was asked to return home. It didn’t take much to convince me.
I returned home to find my two babes and their baba fast asleep. I felt both happy and sad, because I realized that once she was completely weaned, we would never get this sacred bond back again. I then reminded myself that it needed to happen because for many reasons, it is what is best for our whole family. In the middle of the night that first night, she woke up twice for her night feeds and it actually felt so good to be there for her. I missed her, as much as she missed me. I apparently needed to breastfeed her as much as she needed to be breastfed. Breastfeeding is a bond like no other. It is one of the most special interactions between mother and child.
I was gone for most of the day the next day and she therefore spent the whole day without breastfeeding, as she usually does when I’m at work. Upon returning home, however, she asked for it multiple times, as she usually does when I’m around. I did not decline but we did talk about it each time. “Mama, nyonyo, one minute,” she would say, in the sweetest and cutest voice ever. How could I say “no” to that?!
The next night, Sam put both kids to bed again while “mama went to work” (but I was actually in the guest room). It was not easy for Sam but the three of them got to read tons of books, including chapter books, which even Soraya has developed a love for during the past two weeks of our weaning process. I must say, weaning Soraya from “nyonyo” has meant that she gets a lot more reading time with her baba. We have therefore seen a tremendous increase in her interest in books, which has been a major plus! Anyway, when she woke up for her 1AM feed, on that second night, Sam managed to put her back to bed by carrying her around the house and then reading to her. I was, however, there for her 3AM and 5AM feeds. The next day she continued to ask for “nyonyo, one minute!,” on and off whenever she saw me. I continued to acquiesce, but each and every time we gently talked about how she was a big girl now and it was time for us to stop “nyonyo”. She would stop, look up at me with her sweet little face, and while showing me her index finger she would say, “one minute”.
On the third night, however, we took a few steps back because Abey was having a hard time about me “going to work” at night again. Besides, this was the first time in his almost four years of being in the world that he did not have me around at bedtime. I must admit, this isn’t something that I considered before starting the weaning process. Of course he too would have a hard time about his mama not being present at bedtime! How could I overlook that?! Since we all share a room and Abey was not impressed, I ended up giving in, staying, and inevitably breastfeeding Soraya to bed and during her night feeds.
On fourth-night on, Sam put both kids to bed — in fact, he read to them and then Abey decided that “he’s a big boy” and that he can “put himself to bed”. Indeed he did just that in his own bed. Sam then also put Soraya back to bed by reading to her when she woke up for her night feeds. By the fifth night, Abey caught on to the fact that mama wasn’t really “going to work”, and decided that he was going to be sleeping with me in the guestroom indefinitely. With this new development we decided that Sam would be full on in charge of Soraya in our room all night besides her 5/6AM feed. She was ready. So were the rest of us.
From the sixth night, Abey and I slept downstairs, and baba put Soraya to bed at bedtime and throughout the night. Interestingly, once there was no “nyonyo” involved at night, she started sleeping for longer stretches and has been resisting being put to bed by her baba a little less. First it was until 3AM, then to 4AM, then almost two weeks later, she now sleeps until 5AM and 6AM! Sam has been putting her back to bed when she’s up at these hours and occasionally, when he has to work (he is usually up at 4:30AM to lesson plan and the process has of course made this a bit difficult), I’ve been breastfeeding her back to bed. She then sleeps until 7AM, and this morning when I left at 7:30 AM, she was still sleeping.
During the day time, she is no longer asking me for “nyonyo” every time she sees me, but mostly when she’s bored or when we’re bonding when I first get home from work. For the past two days, she has only been breastfeeding once or twice per 24-hours — first thing in the morning and/or when I get home from work. I am perfectly OK with this for now and am giving her one more week before spending a night away from home to hopefully finalize the weaning.
I have enjoyed breastfeeding both of my babies tremendously. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to do so. I am glad I got to bond with them at that level in the past few years and despite being chronically sleep deprived with a lot of body aches, I would not trade this bond for the world! I am, however, looking forward to sleeping and of course, getting my body AND brain back!
February 4th 2020 Update
I managed to spend a night away from both kids for the first time ever since they were born this past weekend at Kizi Kula, a brand new boutique resort in Kizimkazi, Zanzibar. They both did okay with me not being around and Soraya was apparently unfazed despite not having her “nyonyo” around. Upon returning 33 hours later, however, she asked for her nyonyo as soon as she saw me and continues to attempt to ask for it at bedtime and when she first wakes up IF I’m around. Sam still manages to put her to bed without mama and in the mornings we try our best to distract her by reading her books and playing with her… it works for the most part but not always. Hopefully within the next few weeks we will be completely done. The good new is that she has been sleeping throughout the night for the most part, which means mama and baba have been catching the zzzzs as well!
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